I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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