I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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