How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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