"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
