i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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