He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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