In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
