I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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