At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
