Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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