Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
