Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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