my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we're making bets on your personal life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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