I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
