Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
