nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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