peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want to fling myself into the sun
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
