That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
