this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
