Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
