oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
