Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
