i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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