I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
