I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
