you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
