i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
