you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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