So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
