You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
