Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
