So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
