Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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