i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
