This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
