So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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