Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
