I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
