I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize