I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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