The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
