if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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