You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
