Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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