I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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