i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
