Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
