Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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