Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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