He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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