Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
