when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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