please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
