I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He felt like a one man threesome
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
