You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
