So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
