Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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