I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
